On a cold winter night
by g-na-1358
Summary: Levi's been feeling particularly insecure and wants to see if talking about it would help. Of course, that doesn't mean he actually wants to talk in the actual sense of the word.


**A/N: **(And once again I'm here, cursing my inability ty name things...)

It will probably seem pretty OOC but let's face it; you just can't tell what people are thinking. And there has to be a reason for Levi's insomnia... ;;

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><p>It was the middle of a dark, winter night. No one sane would be out of their warm bed at that point and although the Survey corps was full of weirdos and possibly madmen, there was nobody quite <em>that<em> bad off.

Everybody was fast asleep.

Everybody but one person, who was lying awake, deep in thought for some time already, denying himself the well-deserved rest and just encouraging the already-dark-enough circles under his sharp eyes. But that was just the way he was. He just couldn't sleep once his thoughts started wandering.

For the last few hours Levi was staring at the ceiling, not really seeing it. It was only now that he looked to the side instead, at the brown, messy head attached to the body that was lying motionlessly next to him.

It's been a while since Levi decided he'd get it all out of his system but he still didn't fancy actually _telling_ Eren. And so this seemed like a good opportunity, the boy looked like he was dead to the world.

"Eren?" he asked experimentally.

No response. Good.

He smiled a hard-to-decipher smile. It was partially a smirk, partially a sad smile, partially a fond one... The mix of completely different emotions that didn't let him sleep comfortably for the past weeks showed in that single smile.

"Eren... I can never understand why you are here with me like this. I'm almost twenty years older than you, I'm much shorter than you – though I doubt you mind that one; you're actually happy about it, aren't you, you shitty brat? I make you clean at least twice as much as you'd probably like. I'm your direct fucking superior. I beat the shit out of you the second time I saw you... Are you a masochist or something...? Don't answer that, I don't think I want to know."

Levi paused and took a deep breath. "I know you've said you love me a lot of times until now but I don't think I've ever said I loved you back... No, scratch that. I _know_ I didn't. You know why? Because I don't want to lie. I don't believe love you. Don't take it personally, I don't love anyone. I never did. Not even my parents – or the guy who took me in later. I think I was born without the ability to love.

"But don't get me wrong now, I do like you_._ I just... Like is on a different level from love, isn't it?" Levi chuckled quietly, uncomfortably.

"I also liked my squad; they were good people and really good soldiers... But you know, I've never felt particularly sad that they died. I just took it as a fact, as only a few more dead people to add to the list. I am_ that _cold-hearted. That unable to feel any attachments. Maybe it's because I've already seen too much of this shit so that I don't even care anymore? I don't know. I can't remember how it was in the beginning, even if it wasn't all that long ago.

"...I wonder if I _would_ feel something if it was you who suddenly died...?" Without thinking Levi stretched out a hand and ran it through Eren's soft hair, then resting it on top of his head.

"It's funny. I'm like this, not caring if anyone dies but I'm still afraid of being left alone. Or being hated. _And_ being hated." Levi chuckled in that tone completely lacking in amusement again. "You can't even imagine how relieved I felt when you said you didn't hate me that one time I asked, even if we didn't really know each other back then. And I'm so glad you're asleep right now, because after hearing all this shit you'd definitely hate me. Fuck." He had to tak e few deep breaths before he trusted himself enough to continue.

"Anyway, the whole point is, I'm selfish. Disgustingly so. I can't feel a single thing, yet I want you to stay here with me. I just wanted to tell you, to ask you to still love me, even though I'm unable to love you back. Just..." Levi paused and rubbed his face in a desperate attempt to keep his cool. "Just don't leave me..."

Silence followed.

Nothing moved; nothing made any noise.

Levi didn't feel any better than before.

Nothing moved; nothing made any noise.

Not even the tears flowing freely from the wide open green eyes that were soaking the pillow.

Eren felt broken.

Not because his lover said out loud he didn't love him. No.

It was because he could tell it was a lie. That whole speech was one big lie.

Not a lie directed at him; a lie directed at Levi himself.

Just the fact he was thinking that way was the proof that he did care. That he did feel emotions, attachments. That he did feel sad that his squad had died.

That he did love Eren, in his own way.

But he was lying to himself, convincing himself that he was a cold-hearted bastard that didn't feel a thing. And it was tearing him apart.

And _that_ was tearing Eren apart.

For a moment he wasn't sure what to do. The boy wanted to comfort his lover somehow, but if he said something, admit openly that he was awake the whole time, well... that probably wouldn't help much...?

He thought about Levi's request. His plea.

_Don't leave me._

He needed to show him he was there, beside him. And not planning to change that fact anytime soon.

In the end, Eren closed his eyes, willing his tears to stop. Pretending he was still asleep, he moaned softly, rolled over, and casually threw his arm around Levi, snuggling close to the warmth he provided in this cold night.

He hoped Levi wouldn't realise he was feigning it and that his clinginess would help Levi, even if just a tiny bit.

Levi froze for a few seconds, when he felt Eren move under the covers, but then he sighed, wrapping a hand around Eren, pulling him even closer, and pressing a soft kiss to his temple. He murmured almost soundlessly, "You little shit, you were actually awake this whole time? Your face is all wet."

Eren cursed in his mind, but on the outside he refused to react in any way.

Levi chuckled softly at that, and this time it finally was a genuine laugh. "Brat."

Eren only tightened his grip on Levi the tiniest bit, almost unnoticeable.

Levi closed his eyes and breathed a soft 'thank you'. He was, again, feeling a whirlwind of emotions. But it was a little different this time. He was partially amused, partially terrified and partially happy that his deepest thoughts were overheard. But most importantly this strange warmth spread though his chest when he realized Eren still didn't even consider leaving, even after all that he confessed to him.

For the first time in days, weeks... months... – maybe actually years, Levi was falling asleep with a light mind.

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><p><strong>AN:** I actually wrote this maybe half a year ago and since then I've been debating whether I should even post it or not... Guess I'm drunk enough to not care one bit.

I'm not at all saying all Levi's insecurities magically went away. Because that's seriously not the way this stuff works. But sometimes, when you do the right thing at the right time, it can help, at least temporarily...


End file.
